Nonchalance

"Changed my mind. Still alive. Thanks for caring," pishe na belejka zalepena na vratata susedna na moiata/nashata. Napomni mi kak sm ostavila pogreshno vpechatlenie tuk spriamo sustoianieto i namereniata si. Ne, niama da si reja venite. Nito shte probvam genialnia metod sus strunata prez gurloto, zdravoto vuje zavurzano za krakata, hvanatite za glavata ruce, predvaritelno namazani s C200 i spuskaneto ot vuzmojno po-visoka sgrada.
Moga da drunkam za propusnati vuzmojnosti dokato sviat svetuva (live set na BT, party na Astrix & Infected Mushroom to name a few), a realno, ne sm se chuvstvala po-sigurna i po-ciala. Uravnovesena? Po-skoro ne. Ne vurvim li neprekusnato po 1 ultratunka koprinena nijka, opitvaiki se otchaiano da balansirame prioritetite i zaduljeniata si?
Predi godina i polovina napisah v neshto-kato-dnevnik-s-poslania na Tem, che chovekut ne spira da tursi... No, poniakoga nai-krasivo e, kogato zamrazish tozi vechen proces i se nasladish na momenta.... bez izlishni vuprosi, bez dulbaene i sumnenia.

I miss waking up with a smile

Horata, mestata, subitiata - te suzdavat atmosfera i predpostavka.
Opitvam se da si pripomnia poslednia put, kogato tova se sluchi. Kup neshta prechat: mahmurluk, migrena, ugrizenia (ugh) az precha... Posledniat mi spomen za usmihnato utro e ot den sled kato se dobrah do Varna, preminavaiki prez izmucheno i izcialo bezsunno putyvane ot Atina prez Sofia. Togava otvorih ochi, ostavih slunceto da nahlue v staiata i mu se naslajdavah. (Ne e kato da lipsvashe pek i jega navsiakude drugade...) Baba mi vleze intuitivno, zaradva se, che sm se subydila nai-posle i me popita kakvo iskam za zakuska. Izvednuj poluchih onzi riaduk momenten priliv na vutreshna toplina i komfort. Da, vkushti sm. Niamashe kolebanie v suznanieto mi kude bih predpochela da buda v onzi moment.
Zashto se primiriavame s namrushteni i studeni dni? Za da mojem da ocenim krasivite i pochti siurealistichnite? Tvurde lesen i naiven e tozi otgovor...
Veche se otkazah da definiram "vkushti." Az sm tam, kudeto sm. Ne vinagi, kudeto iskam da buda, nito, kudeto prinadleja, no i tova kato vsichko e otnositelno...

From the Archives

Iztrakano: 30.03.2005
Po povod: Obeshtah "prikazka" na Teo

Prikazkata

Biaha izminali edva 3 chasa ot poslednata im sreshta, a misulta za Neia oshte ne mu beshe omruznala. Pomneshe vseki detail po neia siakash tia samata stoeshe pred nego v tozi moment i go gledashe nevuzmytimo s onzi strog, poniakoga ubiistveno studen, a tvurde chesto izgariasht pogled na bistrosinite i ochi. Kosata i beshe nebrejno vurzana kakto obiknoveno, a v izbiagalite, svobodni snopcheta kosa po cheloto i, imashe skrito ocharovanie; siakash go podtikvaha da prokara ruce po liceto i i da si poigrae s tiah... "Triabva da se nashoram, mama mu," pomisli si toi. "K'vo mi stava? Fusta kato fusta..." Ne beshe zavurshil dulbokata si misul, kogato na putia mu izskochi iznevidelica niakakvo bledooranjevo taxi. Spria se kato vtreshten. Vutre, na putnicheskata sedalka sedeshe zamisleno samata Tia. Klaxonut na taxito beshe nadut do bolezneni za sluha chestoti i gumite izsvistiaha.. "K'vo.. Ne moje da bude..," kato zamaian zapochna da se samoubejdava. Beshe gotov da se zakulne, che shte svede aktivnostta na mozuka si do minimum, za da ne se napriaga, de.. Da spesti sili za intelektualnite temi, koito go ochakvaha v lubimia pub.
"Mutnite me vzeli, ne minah li veche ot tuk?"
Naviarno beshe minal. Ala koi ti vodi otchet? Beshe dosta sled svecheriavane. Kato che li i zvezdi se poiaviha, no te po-skoro biaha rezultata na natukvaneto mu i posledvalata priatelska celuvka s onia shiban puten znak: "STOP."
"Nai-setne sm v 'Garaja'" - kultuvoto zavedenie za kultuvi hora s kultuvi interesi. "Ha! Nova servitiorka! Pupchiva i groznovata, no kakvo pk.. Sigur pak shte lovim bas koi shte ia klati dovechera... Ama az mislia da sm pas..." Izvednuj oblikut na plenitelnoto suzdanie, koeto ne be sprialo da nahluva v mislite mi, izpluva otnovo i zasiia oshte po-obaiatelno...

*****

"Aaa... gadost i zaraza! Draifal si navsiakude e, baluk!! Zdravata si se omazal!"
"A-a?....Uff", izmurmori toi. Pravo beshe Kopeleto. (Vikashe mu taka ne zashtoto niamashe bashta, a zashtoto go namirashe za obidno, i bez tva ne znaeshe istinskoto znachenie na dumata). Po-goliam mahmurluk ne beshe prejiviaval. Vseki sledvasht udar na surceto mu noseshe adski pristupi v glavata.
"Imah 'nou stranen sun, Kopele..."
Kopeleto beshe se razkaralo otdavna ot smrudlivata staia.
"Sunyvah nai-strahotnata macka..." Kopeleto prekusna mislite mu kato izkreshtia ot kuhniata: "Dokarai si shibania zadnik tuka, che mi tria'at kinti!!" Toi poslushno se dovleche do susednata staia i krotko sedna na edinstvenia svoboden stol, bez dori da se ogleda. "U-u... T'va e gadjeto Emma. Zapoznaite se." - Ochevidno se zapuna s formalnostite Kopeleto.
Toi vdigna natejalata kato 2 chuvala sol pusnati v rekata glava i vsiacheski se opita da si fokusira pogleda km navedenata nad nego perfektna jenska figura i podadenata mu nejna ruka. "Kakvo, po diavolite...!!" Ochite i... Da.. daaa.. ochite i... Kichurchetata kosa taka nebrejno ostaveni... Gospodi, ne moje da e istina!

dark & twisty

The Best-laid Plans of Mice and Men Often Go Awry.
(or so they say)
Planiraniat 3-dneven weekend v Ramapo College, NJ beshe pulen proval, predimno zashtoto ne se sustoia. I ne iskam da se okaja prava, che sm shtastliva, kogato sm neshtastna. Ne tova neshtastie, koeto izpitvash, uznavaiki, che folder Music e bil iztrit predi da si imal shansa da go prehvurlish na laptopa; ne i onova neshtastie, ravniavashto se na bezpomoshtnost, kogato ne mojesh da pregurnesh nujdaeshtia se ot teb. A to, drugoto, na tiha primirenost i udobna bezchuvstvenost. (Nai-golemiat kef idva ot fakta, che nikoi ne chete t'va i ne go vzima naseriozno) =:)

p.S. antireklama na kodakgallery: tei kato sm skrundza i ne mi se davat $2 godishno, si zapazvam pravoto da ne izpolzvam uslugite im anymore. da im go... vmesto tova kachih obzora na poslednite 6 god v snimki imenno tuk. vse oshte sm v period na podrejdane i organizacia, koito ne sa ot neshtata, s koito se slavia.

procrastinating...

"Don't torture yourself with what we might have given
We did everything that we could ever do
And I'd like to change all this
And I'd like to wake up from this
By your side..."

Snow Patrol - If I'd Found the Right Words to Say

Freak Show

"several more lives to live"

Otdavna sm na mnenie, che H.D. Thoreau e bil nai-gotinoto hippie ever. Obeshtah si da ne tria posts i da pisha v sluchai, che ima kakvo da suobshtia na anonimnata publika, no siakash vse po-chesto izneveriavam na obeshtaniata si. Opitah se da si naloja dori da ne poglejdam nazad, i da, poluchi se obratnia efekt. Kogato i da otdelia vreme da ponapulnia blog-cheto s nebivalici, sm izpadnala veche v neobratimo stranno, melanholichno nastroenie. Zatova i neizbejno se useshta 1 raven, lishen ot emocia ton. Da opravdavam sushtestvyvaneto na weblog-a vuobshte, bi bilo bezsmisleno. Spestila sm rutinata na bita, vse pak za tva ima instant messengers & e-mails;)
Dulja priznanieto (nai-veche na sebe si), che ne obicham da pisha po kakuvto i da e povod. Samokritichna sm i niama da go dokaram otkum genialnost i originalnost, tka che why bother? Ne mi e kef, kakvo mi puka dali spored niakoi imam talant ili hich. I t'ka, rano e za ravnosmetka, oshte ne sme prehvurlili 2006-ta, no eto 1 "done list":
1) change in address, new key, moving in on campus
2) getting along with the roomie, but hating on the rest of the floor
3) introduction to alma mater & lots of snoring
4) "c" is for crunk, no more dry MIT frat-parties
5) fingerprints were taken
6) BG sreshta i posledvalata goliama greshka
7) Mates of State concert
8) psiharsko natukvane na dalechen poznat ot BG v metroto
9) karaoke (thnx to 8)
10) trying to sort things out in my head, some crying
Spored Thoreau, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." I second that.

Addictions

Pristrastena sm kum Tetris. I kum voda, i shokoladovi neshta, i osveteni ulici i sgradi prez noshtta, i glutki cherno kafe, bez zahar, s mn mliako sutrin, i neminuemoto iztrupvane vseki put, kogato poluchavam obajdane s kod +359, i nebrejni usmivki ot nepoznati...
New key, same ol' me.
Dnes izmislih rima dokato vurviah kum lekcia. haha Triabva da ia prerabotia v necenzuriran variant. Maybe tomorrow (not by Stereophonics)

On “Life, the Universe and Everything”

Sutreshno kofi + brownies (moe proizvodstvo) i Enigma za fon. Izchetoh “The Salmon of Doubt” na Douglas Adams, chuvstvaiki, che sm izgubila skup chovek. Vsushtnost, chovechestvoto go izgubi predi 5 god, no beshe nujno da si pripomnia. Pri men siakash povecheto neshta idvat s jet lag, s niakakvo striaskashto zakusnenie. E, stiga mrunkah. Special thnx na adasha, che mi ia preporucha:). Priznavam, che sm izpravena pred izkushenieto da podhvana “Mostly Harmless” predi da sm izchela prednite 2 ot petologiata/pentalogiata (?!). Niama takava duma, nali? A ne e li vreme da se rodi, tei kato trilogia ot 5 noveli zvuchi absurdno. Vremeto izticha, a tka iskam, iskam, iskam…
Razbira se, lipsvashe mi priyatnoto umoritelno chetene, no otpraznuvah pobedata (ciala 1 kniga za poslednite 3 meseca) s movie night – 4 filma, pukanki i dobra kompania. Smeniam stanciata na Mount Sims. Go shake that thAng. Aerobics da izhabim kaloriite.
Koia mi beshe liubimata chast ot knigata? Well, eto 1 otkus, ozaglaven “Cookies”:

This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person is me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I’d gotten the time of the train wrong. I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table. I want you to picture the scene. It’s very important that you get this very clear in your mind. Here’s the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There’s a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase. It didn’t look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.
Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There’s nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies. You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know… But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do aclue in the newspaper, couldn’t do anything, and thought, What am I going to do?

In the end I thought Nothing for it, I’ll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, That settled him. But it hadn’t because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie. Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice…” I mean, it doesn’t really work.

We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away. Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and st back.

A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies. The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who’s had the same exact story, only he doesn’t have the punch line.

Class get-together

Poveche nikakvi t.nar. "sreshti na vipuska." Izlagacia. Pulna. Pak shte se sreshtnem, no sled 10 godini.

Snow Patrol

* Zaslujavat ne prosto otdelen post, a monument da im izdigna! * Sheguvkite nastrana, svejo i priasno, pribiraiki se toku-shto ot nai-velikia koncert, na koito sm imala shtastieto da prisustvam, se vpuskam v neobiatnite debri na weblog-a i razduvam.*Eto, primerno, spodeliam supostavkata s Depeche Mode, koito biaha strahotni, no s repertoar ot 20+ god. me razocharovaha. Ne samo, che iziavata im beshe prekaleno kratka, no i ne izpulniha liubimia mi track "Only When I Lose Myself" (mai se jalvah veche nevednuj) i dr. vechni hitove... Ne vurvi da sravniavam 1 prejiviavane s dr, protiv sm po princip..* vse 1 da sravniavash 1 vliubvane s dr. Nooo..*Snow Patrol za 1 chas me zarediha s tolkova emocii, kolkoto otdavna ne biah si pripomniala, che moga da usetia! Moga da pisha oshte nadluj i nashir, no muzikata se chuvstva, a ne se opisva!!! :*))) *
*Posledna vmetka (zasega) - predchuvstvieto mi spriamo horata ne me izluga i tozi put. A imenno: predi 2 god., suvsem incidentno, smeniaki otegcheno tv kanalite, popadnah na zapis ot koncert na ednoimennite Snow Patrol*v Glasgow (ako ne me luje pametta)*i se vliubih momentalno v omagiosvashtite beats i chara na vokalista Gary. E, sled kato 3 puti, i to vse sluchaino, izgledah sushtia tozi koncert, misleh, che sm podgotvena za live izpulnenieto na The Eskimos.*Gary, obache, nadmina sebe si. A az imah nujda da zabravia za vsichko, koeto me zaobikalia i tazi nosht tova veche e fakt...*(follow the white *'s)

#gReEn_SkY

green_sky reunion -> Koito se poznae, da ne mi iska avtorski prava i razreshenie. Storenoto storeno. Popravimo e samo s Photoshop®.

Wednesday 2 Friday (What Happened to Thursday)

Nevinno zapochna porednata roxx-odiseia: stavane po obed, sboguvane s koito svari da prevari, tupchene na bagaj, habene na nervi, zacherveni i navlajneni ochi... 3:00 a.m. na letishte Varna beshe nechoveshko, no go prejiviah. Vsichko vurveshe, t.e. leteshe, normalno do Budapeshta, kudeto smetnaha za neobhodimo da ni zadurjat oshte 2 chasa i da ni lishat ot ruchen bagaj. Beshe iasno, che moga da se prostia s connection flight-a New York-Boston do zavetnata kraina cel. I t'ka, sled 9-chasovo iztezanie i shvanati muskuli po cialoto tialo s izkl. na glavata - vse oshte mojeh da psuvam, kulna i roptaia - si izpusnah poleta za Boston. Shte spestia detailite s imigracionni, bagaja, lutaneto. Sledvashtoto fur-fur beshe sled 3 chasa, no zashto li i vremeto da ne izpadne v depresia, da zatreshti i zagurmi, da se izlee 1 dujd, moje bi grad i da otlojat poletite s po 2-3 chasa sredno? Nujno e da vmetna, che Sluchainostta ili Providenieto (izberete si) me sreshtna s predstavitelkata na T-Mobile za Florida, koiato se okaza pichka i mi podari niakva predplatena SIM karta (moiata ia zatrih niakude oshte na rodna zemia). Ta da, samoletut doide, nastaniha ni i oshte s vlizaneto ni zaradvaha s novinata, che pone 2hrs niama da se mrudnem ot zemiata. Posle reshiha, che ima tehnicheski problem = 3+ hrs. V kraina smetka ne ni muchiha poveche i otmeniha poleta kategorichno. Otnovo v potiskashtata chakalnia na JFK. Nai-nakraia izletiah na dr sutrin i v 9:30 si biah v Boston. Ne mojeh da skria oblekchenieto i se uhilih =:) E, da, ama tzuk-i-tzuk. Zavetnia bagaj go biaha preburkali, konfiskuvali 1 shishe rakia, ostavili belejka za "unknown substance" i prepratili s po-po-nai-sledvashtia polet v 13h. Posle mi se gubi, t.e. spah 12+ hrs i si spazvam obeshtaniata. Shte gi imate kompromatite, no kahuries.

"As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, from whatever
We will still be, friends forever"
Ugh, so cheesy, no, ako 1 neshto postignah, to e, che ne se prevurnah v hater. Ne revah, pomahah za sbogom i zatvorih porednata stranica. No, it's not the end, it's the beginning. Slagam kadri, zashtoto obeshtah, a ne, zashtoto si zaslujavat ot esteticheska gledna tochka.
the stupid song

"Old enough to die young"

you'll be missed deeply...

15.08.1983 - 26.05.2006

Samo nekrolog lipsvashe na blog-a... =:( Pochivai v mir, Dobcho.

random nature shots

"A picture is worth a thousand words."

Ne pretendiram za dobro kachestvo na images, prosto vsichki izliazoha po-spoluchlivi otkolkoto ochakvah napuk na kofti tehnikata =:)


From L to R: Plymouth, MA, Cambridge, MA & Tappan Zee Bridge, NY State

#2

2-ri post. here it comes... muzikata, bez koiato ne mojem... zashto nastruhvam kogato slusham Snow Patrol ili Aqualung? Ot godini se nadiavam taino na vuzmojnostta da gi vidia i chuia najivo i kogato se sbudne niakaksi se izgubva charut... Ne, ne mi beshe zle na koncerta na Aqualung na 2-ri mai, naprotiv. No ne beshe kakvoto ochakvah. Vsushtnost, kakvo li i ochakvah? tazi muzika se chuvstva individualno, priliaga mi idealno. sred tulpa hora, koito edva li oceniavat muzikata po sushtia nachin (viziriam 2-ma poznati, koito imah neshtastieto da zaseka na koncerta), kakvo ochakvam, che bih mogla da pochuvstvam? - po-skoro otchujdenie otkolkoto trupka.. i vse pak... beshe mi iako, biah si v jazz-a... sega ostava samo blediat spomen i 5-6 nefokusirani snimki.
Veche sm na vulna Snow Patrol i se zarejdam s novite im track-ove, pak nastruhnah... um, obojavam tova chuvstvo.. siakash sm po-leka ot atmosferata i se liuleia niakude, kruvta bavno nahluva v glavata mi i trance-iram.. set the fire to the third bar, melanholichno.. ne, ne sm drusana, vupreki che v momenta ne pravia razlika. shut your eyes, i spin the big chair and you'll feel dizzy, light, and free... track sled track v suvurshena posledovatelnost.
Dali shte buda razocharovana otnovo na 2-ri iuni i s koncerta na Snow Patrol? No ne bih si prostila da ostavia da me podmine toku-taka, nali se borih za tezi 2 skupocenni biletcheta (hooray for ebay!) Dali e ot nujdata da zadovolia egoto si ili ot nujdata za neshto razlichno, za nadejda? Ne znaia, no shte razbera na 2-ri.

*zabelejka ot 31-vi mai:
Coming from the Snow Patrol Newsletter: "We are really sorry to announce that, due to Gary's voice still needing time to rest, the band have had to postpone Friday's show at The Avalon Ballroom, Boston. [] This extra measure was taken after Gary saw a specialist in New York on Tuesday, there he was told he had to rest for a few days longer due to worrying growths on his vocal chords which given a little rest should heal quickly."
Anticipating...

this lacks a real title, huh?

ummm... t'va e porednata mi priumica, s koiato sm se borila mislovno pone ot niakolko meseca (vsushtnost ima pone godina) i koiato osushtestviavam napuk na sebe si... zasega si ostava "secret project" s ne-dotam kodovoto nazvanie "blog." neka vse pak dam malko istoria na predrazsuducite si (zashtoto vseki ima takiva, kakvoto i da kazva) spriamo blogovete kato iavlenie v nasheto obshtestvo;) skepticizmut mi izvira predimno ot lichni nabliudenia na blogs na priyateli, nabluskani s vsevuzmojni izliyania i neshta, koito i maikite im ne biha izturpiali da izslushat. vsushtnost takava li e celta? nadiavam se, ako sluchaino se razvie moeto blogche-otrochence, da ne se prevurne v kanavka za otpaduchnite mi, haotichni misli i chuvstva, a tukmo obratnoto. niamam za cel da reshavam vuprosi ot globalna, universalna i transgalakticheska znachimost, budete spokoini. *vdish* *izdish* po-skoro shte go ostavia da se razvie ot samo sebe si i dano s vremeto bude vse po-interesen (obratno proporcionalno na suzdatelkata mu) ;)
Dilemata se sustoeshe ne tolkova v sudurjanieto na blog-a, kolkoto do prezentaciata mu. A imenno, na kakuv ezik e redno da pisha, kakva bi bila auditoriata mu? I tei kato niamam kirilizator (ili kakvoto, po diavolite, go zovat hax0rite), tozi variant otpada. No jelanieto mi e da pisha na bulgarski i ne zabraviaite da mi popraviate pravopisnite i gramaticheskite greshki. Razchitam na vas, vie ste mi poslednoto spasenie =:)
Well, enjoy, be entertained, get addicted, try to get laid if you can and keep coming back for more. That's all for now, folks!